Carter Read online

  He shrugged, dropping my hand to the side. “Some people don’t move their lips and expect the other person to do all the work.”

  Huh. I never thought of that.

  “What does kissing feel like?” I then asked him, curiously. “I heard girls at school say kissing an apple is like the same thing.” And I was pretty sure I was one of the very few fifteen year old girls left that hadn’t made out with a guy before.

  “Kissing an apple is not the same thing,” he answered swiftly, holding back another round of laughter. “If we’re going to use fruits to compare the feeling – which is dumb as shit – then it’s more like kissing a mashed up banana.”

  My eyes widened in surprise. “So… gooey.”

  Now he really did laugh – so hard, in fact, he was wheezing. “Oh, fuck, Leah. Holy hell, you make me laugh.”

  “Did Pomposa make you laugh too?”

  He turned on his side so that he was facing me, his mouth formed into a wide grin. His face was a little red from all that laughter – because apparently my curious mind is that hilarious – and whispered to me, “No girl has ever made me laugh except you.”

  And then he did something strange. He took hold of my chin with his hand and turned it to him. My heart sped up at the random touch. He stared into my eyes for a while longer, searching for something with that unreadable look on his face. Then his fingers left my chin, sliding up my cheek to brush a few strands of hair behind my ear.

  When he eventually dropped his hand, his eyes never left mine. He did this at times. Just looked at me with a weird thoughtful expression, and then he looked away like nothing happened, returning to his normal, cocky self. God, he wasn’t playing fair. Just when I tried to live with knowing nothing was ever going to happen, he did this. I wondered if he wanted to keep me keen. The cocky bastard had it in him.

  I stared at his lips and felt my chest stir. Right then I wanted him to kiss me. To remove my curiosity once and for all so I knew just wonderful mashed-banana-feeling kisses could be. But in the dim light, with the stomach churning music still playing in the background, I saw a bit of glitter on his bottom lip. He’d just ravaged a girl’s mouth minutes ago. I didn’t want that mouth on mine. So I swallowed hard and turned away, focusing back on a random spot.

  “So you couldn’t bring a Mindy in here for your last time?” I muttered out playfully. “Or a Christina? Or a Jennifer? It had to be Pomposa? That’s like me taking home a guy named Hannelore.”

  He laughed again. “You don’t know when to stop, do you?”

  “Not when it comes to you.”

  He pursed his lips and pinned his enthralling eyes to mine. We stared at each other for several moments. I hardly breathed the entire time.

  “You smell like her, you know,” I muttered, trying to shift this strange atmosphere into a safe one. “Like bubble gum and girly-ness. Is that what you like?”

  “She was good for passing the time.”

  “Passing the time? You really are an asshole, Carter.”

  He shrugged. He didn’t care. I was pretty much considering he didn’t care about anything in this life if he hadn’t been so good to me.

  I rolled to my side, facing him, and closed my eyes. There was no point talking about this anymore. I didn’t want to know about his near sexcapade with Pompoodle. I relaxed into the mattress and began dozing when his voice rang out.

  “Nobody’s ever really kissed you?”

  “No,” I said, wondering why he was suddenly so curious. “Why would I lie about that?”

  “Just thought you would have by now and kept it to yourself. I’m not always around you.”

  I laughed in disbelief. “I’m not necessarily popular at school, Carter. Thought you knew that by now. The guy’s aren’t crawling through glass for me like they are over those stick-thin bitches that talk behind my back.”

  “They would be if you went out. How about actually coming out to the parties I go to then? I invite you how many times and you keep saying no?”

  “I’m not going to be around people that hate me.”

  “If anyone said something to you, I’d bust their fucking face up, you know that.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Solving every issue with violence isn’t really the right way to go about it.”

  “But ignoring them is? Admit that you just don’t want to go. You’d rather spend that time with Rome.” He said Rome’s name on a sneer.

  “Rome’s my best friend.”

  “I thought I was your best friend,” he retorted irritably.

  “You are.”

  He didn’t respond for some time, and when he did, it was a lot calmer. “But you don’t have feelings for Rome, do you? He’s a weird guy. I personally wouldn’t get it if you do.”

  I was completely taken aback. Carter had never taken an interest in my friendship with Rome. I didn’t answer him and I knew that would just make him even more curious. I wanted him to sweat about it just a little bit. I was almost convinced right then and there that he was jealous. Hope emerged in my heart as I considered that possibility.

  “He might be your first kiss, you know,” Carter carried on. “And if he hurts you, you don’t want to look back at your first kiss and regret it.”

  “Not really,” I replied, knowingly winding him up. “He could be really good at it. He actually might be the best, and if he is the best then maybe I won’t care if he hurts me later on.”

  The vein at the base of his neck twitched as he tensed his jaw. In hindsight, looking back at this moment, I regret taking great joy in watching him lose it. I suppose I was desperate to feel cared about, and I was willing to take it even if it was in a negative manner.

  “So you don’t care that your first kiss might belong to a complete asshole that might ruin your trust later on,” he stated. “You only care about what it’ll feel like.”

  Oh, my God, he really is jealous.

  “I know what you’re trying to do,” I replied, fighting to hide my amusement. “You’re trying to tell me to pick someone neutral to have my first kiss with. In a roundabout way, you want to be the one to kiss me first.”

  Immediately he scoffed. “I don’t want to kiss you, Leah. You’re delusional.”

  “Don’t deny it. Why else would you pretty much say to pick someone I won’t regret it with?”

  “I didn’t mean me.”

  “Fine, then I’ll just kiss Rome.”

  He gritted his teeth, huffing out, “You want to kiss Rome, then go and kiss Rome.”

  “Okay then, I will. I bet he won’t have glitter on his lips when I do it too.”

  He stilled and brought his hand to his mouth, wiping it. When he looked down at his hand, his face darkened. He got out of bed after that. Grabbing a towel from the dresser, he turned the corny music off and left the room without a word.

  He didn’t come back until fifteen minutes later in nothing but his boxers, water dripping from his hair. He slammed the door shut and I tensed a little, waiting for his father to bark out from somewhere to keep it down. The man was probably passed out though, per usual. I was on my back, watching Carter closely as he walked to the window, shutting it hard. Then he peered through the blinds, seemingly lost in thought.

  I’d clearly ruined the mood. I was kind of regretting it by that point. I didn’t want him to be angry at me, but there really wasn’t a reason for him to be. I’d technically done nothing wrong, plus it wasn’t all that unusual for him to be shitty with me. We had our ups and downs. Sometimes we’d go through silent treatments for days just winding each other up, until one of us cracked and came crawling back. It was usually him, and I was proud of the tally I’d kept score of.

  He turned then and stood with his back to the window, facing me. My heart skipped a beat at the way he was looking at me. He crossed his arms and just stared, and once again I couldn’t read him.

  I tried to act normal. I really should have just got up and left when he was out. Maybe he had expected me to be gone wh
en he returned. But I didn’t want to go. Despite the awkward turn of events, I still wanted to be around him. I picked at my lip with my teeth, trying not to redden by how hard he was gawking at me.

  When he pushed off from the window and headed for the bed, my body tensed. His eyes still hadn’t left mine, and they were growing darker the closer he got to me. The mattress shifted from beneath his weight, and all breath left me in a rush when he crawled in my direction. I was absolutely gobsmacked the second his body enveloped mine. He had his elbows propped up on either side of my head. Every bit of me felt jittery and panicked because there was no way I was going to pull this off without giving away how nervous he made me feel.

  “Do you want me to kiss you?” he asked in a low voice, his face barely a foot away from mine.

  Water drops fell from the tips of his hair, landing over my throat and collarbone. The drops felt cold sliding across my skin, but I was perfectly aware I was shaking because of him.

  Was I dreaming? Shit, this was just a dream. Of course it was. One does not climb out of a doomed friendship status this easily.

  “Um.” My mouth was dry. I didn’t need to talk. This was my dream, after all. He didn’t need to hear actual words.

  “Um what?” His lips pulled up into a smirk, and I remember looking at them and thinking how soft they looked. I was so close I could see every freckle on his face, and suddenly I wondered how I could dream up parts of him I hadn’t even noticed before.

  No, this was reality. Shit. And I’d lain there for who knows how long saying things like “Um” while breathing heavily. So, I stopped breathing heavily. He didn’t need to be on top of an oxygen thief.

  “Do you want me to put my lips on yours?” he continued to ask.

  “Why would I want you to do that?” I found it in me to ask. My heart hadn’t stopped pounding in my chest. I’d ended up curling my hands into the sheets to dispel some of the nerves and it wasn’t working.

  “Because you want to know how it feels,” he answered casually, like this was nothing. Like it wasn’t everything to me.

  I hated him a little for that.

  “I don’t want to kiss you,” I lied to him. “You were just kissing another girl.”

  “I washed my mouth and brushed my teeth.”

  “That doesn’t mean anything.”

  He nodded confidently. “Yes, it does.”

  He was right. I hated him a little more.

  “I’ll make it good,” he promised. “And it’ll stay between friends. Just friends. It won’t ruin anything or hurt anyone. Right?”

  I nodded slightly. I was such a liar. Not only to him, but to myself. I was willing to have him any way I could get him. I should have known this was going to open the door to something painful. As if I wasn’t pained already.

  “So answer then,” he drawled out slowly. “Do you want me to kiss you?”

  “Yes.”

  He seemed pleased by that. He looked down at my lips and licked his own. My heart felt full when I closed my eyes and waited for his mouth to touch mine. The anticipation built little by little. I felt his breaths against my face and more drops of water over my cheeks as he closed the gap between us. His lips briefly skimmed over mine, heightening my senses. Slowly he kissed me. Light and soft. I parted my mouth and kissed him back, savouring his soft lips until he pressed them harder against mine.

  I felt warmth spread from the top of my head down to my toes. It felt deliciously good. Better than I could have expected. It felt like a rush had come over me, and I was fighting everything inside of me that was pushing to wrap my arms around him. Looking back now, I know he kept it tame. There was no tongue like there was with Pomposa. There was no other part of each other we were touching. Carter had kept it strangely platonic yet heated all at once, moving firmly yet softly, giving attention to my lower lip before ascending to my upper.

  When he pulled away from my mouth, he swiftly rolled to his side of the bed before I even opened my eyes. That spoke volumes. Here I was, achieving a milestone in my pathetic little existence, enjoying my first ever kiss with the only boy I wanted to do it with, and there Carter was, giving it to me out of some eager need to fulfil his ego. He didn’t want it. He didn’t care for it like I did. I felt empty right then and there. I sneakily glanced at him, unsure of what to do. He was staring up at the ceiling with a blank expression, meanwhile I was flustered and panting.

  What should I say?

  What was he going to say?

  Was that all he was willing to give me? Because I was already longing for another taste of his mouth, and I may have pleaded with my eyes for him to do that again. But he wasn’t looking. Not once.

  What was wrong with me?

  “Good night, Leah,” he then said casually.

  “Good night,” I whispered half-heartedly, my heart torn straight out of my chest.

  And just like that, everything was back to normal again.

  The kiss was forgotten. Our days resumed. And for the next couple years, I watched from afar the countless girls that came and went, brief interruptions in our best friend paradigm that would have the masses face palming at once. Rome would tell me I was an idiot, and I would agree.

  At least I was an idiot on purpose.

  Carter

  Twist me up with jealousy

  Make my imagination run away from me

  until the daggers of our twisted reality

  ravage me internally.

  And I’ve fallen away, fallen away from

  everything

  And I’m too numb, too numb

  to feel the pain when I sing.

  I knock back tonight’s countless drink

  Torn apart by your need

  to drive my sanity to its brink.

  I’ve fallen into madness

  and you’re too far gone to care.

  And I’ve fallen away, fallen away from

  everything

  And I’m too numb, too numb

  to feel the pain when I sing.

  *

  Want in her eyes. The way her breathing hitched when I neared her.

  Lips parted. Her eyes widened.

  I should never have kissed her.

  That was the second strike against me.

  Six

  2005

  16 years old

  “There’s a party this Friday,” Rome said, taking a huge bite out of his poutine.

  I looked up from my History assignment – the same damn assignment that was due next period after lunch was over. Procrastination was a bitch, and I never learned.

  “Okay?” I replied to him, uncaringly.

  He looked sideways at me, his green eyes shimmering with mischief. “So, we should go. It’s at Tiffany’s house. Tiffany’s a bitch, but she has a pool.”

  I looked across the cafeteria and at said bitch, who was currently twirling her abnormally shiny bronze hair and giggling to Carter and his friends. She was a piece of work, apparently. Had screwed half the guys in her grade and Carter was actually giving her his time of day. Didn’t he know she was behind most of the rumours spread about me?

  Her clique was leaning over their table, listening in with bright eyes and make-up caked faces. No food, per usual. Eating air was somehow filling.

  As if sensing me, Carter turned away from her and met my gaze. My heart skipped a beat, especially when he grinned at me – it was a smile reserved specifically for me – and it sent my body haywire with warm tingles.

  I forced myself to look away and back into Rome’s eyes. “I’m not interested.”

  He sighed and leaned back in his chair, and my gaze automatically roamed down his torso. He was filling out a bit, and in return a lot more girls were taking interest. Which made me wonder…

  “You’re doing this to get laid,” I noted, shaking my head at him. “I should’ve known it.”

  His face fell. “Hell no, I’m not. I just want to experience the high school life, Leah.”

  “I don’t b
elieve you. What girl has caught your attention? Is it Amy Davis? She’s a cheater, you know. Screwed a guy in the boy’s restroom and got caught by the vice principal. Everyone’s calling her Toilet Ho.”

  “Amy? Hell to the no. I’m not thinking about sex right now. Jesus, you have a dirty mind.”

  “When you live with a whore, it’s hard not to.”

  He frowned, ignoring my comment entirely. “Shut up for a second, alright? I’m thinking about going to a party because I think it’ll be good for the two of us. We don’t have to be losers walking the halls anymore. It’s like we have the plague.”

  I put a hand over my heart. “You wound me,” I sarcastically replied. “I love being a loser, and I love the plague we’re carrying because it keeps bitches like Tiffany and her cheap posse off my back.”

  He sneered. “They talk shit about you all the time.”

  “Yeah, behind my back. Bitches know if they said it to face, they’ll have theirs torn off.”

  I learned very quickly that being nasty was the only way to avoid being walked all over. You cower from a bully and they thrive. You stand up for yourself, and you’ve got at least a shot. Nobody wants to pick on someone if it’s hard work.

  He glowered at me for a few minutes, and I scribbled some more notes down about Ancient Egypt. Because apparently I had to give a flying shit about mummies and pyramids.

  On that note, the fuck were they thinking with the whole Canopic jars shit? No, just no, that was not cool.

  “Shit,” Rome then muttered. “Asshole coming your way, Leah.”

  Before I could respond, I heard a familiar voice go, “Hey, Leah.”

  I stiffened.

  This was a voice I didn’t want to be hearing directed at me.

  “Leah, Leah,” he repeated, chuckling.

  I sighed, ignoring James, some douchebag in my math class, as he leaned over me and threw a five dollar bill on my assignment. I smelled his cheap cologne as he brought his mouth to my ear and said, “Graeme said you’re into some… extracurricular activities.”

  Fucking Graeme. Still being a dick.